Thursday, December 16, 2010

It's either really late, or really early

Well, here I am...It's 12:30 A.M. on thursday morning...I can't sleep... Have you ever had one of those nights? You want to sleep..You try to sleep...But you end up just laying there, thinking about stuff..Now, my wife Cari and my Dog Daisy...Those 2 lovely ladies have no trouble falling asleep. Cari was awesome enough to lay up talking in bed for a while before she made the "I will be sooo tired tomorrow" comment, so off to sleep she went. I like that sometimes..Lying on your back, in your bed, in the dark, next to your best friend talking not like "husband and wife" talk, but you're talking more like "best friend" talk...You know what I mean? Of course, I also love the Husband and Wife Talk as well, but tonight, it was kind of a mix of both..The main topic these days is Steve and the Kids. Right now, this very second as I'm talking to you, I feel......sad...sad because I have all of these feelings about Angela that I am still processing. When you lose someone that close to you, it never gets better..It just gets different..Sure, you are no where near the place you were with your grief a year and a half ago..I take that back...I think dealing with losing someone is this ongoing journey..It's the journey that nobody wants to take. Some days you're fine..Some days, you have moments...Other days, you feel terrible and it's frustrating because you wish everything could just be normal again..Well, that's the thing..This is the new normal, I guess... This is the intimidading thing about blogging. When you write down your feelings, they're your feelings, and then they're not your feelings...Does that make sense? It's kind of like off the top of your head explaining how you feel and why. It's off the top of your head...It hasn't really been broken down and defined..It might not be the correct explanation of what you feel at all...Did I lose you just now? Well, I just lost myself.... ha!
.....It's quiet...Have you ever just sat up in the middle of the night in one of the rooms (my home office/studio to be exact) of where you live and just....listen? I know...I'm probably too deep for 1:00 in the morning. I don't know...This evening, Steve took Lauren to see Wicked in Chicago. Luke is down at Steve's parents for the week, so it was just me and Ryan tonite..Oh, by the way...Cari and I don't live at their house, but we do live about 10 minutes away. Anyway, the original plan was for me and my mom to take Ryan to this restaraunt called Hackney's. Cari doesn't really like it due to the fact that they have like 5 things on their menu, but hey.....Those 5 things are awesome...
The whole Hackney's experience is a bittersweet thing. it's been a tradition that at least Angela and I Go with my Mom every christmas time because my mom loves the fireplace, the food...everything. This has been a tradition since the 80's but over the past couple of years, it's been difficult. Christmas of 08 My mom and I went but Ang didn't because she was so sick. Last year, My Mom, Cari and I went and we took Lauren but it was sad..We all really missed Ang. So, this year, I was kind of looking forward to honoring tradition and getting some great food, but Ryan wasn't feeling well so we stayed home, ate Subway and Lou Malnaghtis Pizza and watched Transformers 2. It's hard, when you talk to your nephew about all the transformers you had when you were his age, and how you and your sister (ryan's mom) used to love transformers. Even though we were having a great time bonding over transformers, and having a blast having uncle nephew hangout time, I find myself getting sad..I think back to when Angela and I were the ages of Ryan and Lauren..How we loved transformers...How Ang loved playing nintendo with me....I think about how much Ryan misses his Mom...It hurts. It hurts because when they feel bad, I feel bad. I'll tell you that I still can't believe this happened to our family. Angela was the last person you would ever think that would be beaten by cancer. Amazing mom, Professor of English, Devoted wife, Woman of God, Amazing Daughter, The Best sister in the world...And a best friend who I think about daily...and miss greatly.
Did you ever watch Doogie Howser, MD?   I feel like Doogie Howser right now. I remember my cousin Stephanie having this HUGE crush on him... Anyway, there was always that scene at the end of each show when he is typing in some sort of journal...He would write something, then pauses..thinks about it, then finishes his entry with some kind of compelling, original thought.. Well, if you are looking to get the same thing from me,  sorry to disappoint.. :)
Families....Families...When I hear that word, I think of wrestling with my 3 year old nephew Luke....I think about when I can't wait to walk through the front door to see Cari's smiling face, give her a hug, and do the "karate thing" (it would be too hard to explain it...however, it does have something to do with the 90s version of 90210, The Office, and Hawaii 5 0).. When I think about the word Families I think of making Lauren laugh, driving around having our "special movie hangout nights"  I also think of Ryan.....the way we love to watch Star Wars and listen to great music. When I think of Family I think of my Wife, My Mom, My Brother in Law, and those 3 kids...those 3 kids who I would do absolutely anything for. Those kids that I believe helped me become the person that I am today. Family doesn't stop there. I have a sister and brother in law that I just love. I have another niece and nephew and even though alex wants to do the solo video game stuff, and hannah goes with her friends but she still wants her cool aunt and uncle to tag along I will always be  there for them whenever they would need me. wow...could it be? after a mere hour and a half of trying to put together coherent sentences for you, it feels like sleep is finally calling my name...I think I'll answer.  But before I do, I am going to leave you with this thought..Maybe I should call it my Doogie Houser Thought..What do you think??? um..probably not... :)  Okay, here it goes:
Family is one of the most important things in this life. If we're blessed enough, we may have a few friends that we can call true friends. But Family is more precious than anything. Appreciate your family..Love your family..Don't put off to next week what you can do today or tomorrow.Tell your family you love them. Don't waste your life by doing stupid bickering. Pay attention to your family...Because you never know... OK..I'm going to bed...

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